"Me Me Me" is a Reflection of Our Pornified Culture

Oftentimes I don't want to go back to those past awful memories—the shock, the betrayal, the pain, those dark days but there are times when I must tap into them in order to share my insight and have the anti-porn movement progress. So here I go...

It was late 2014 or so when my first ex-boyfriend, Micah [MEE-KAH] (Russian equivalent name for "Michael")—used to call him "Mishka-Bear" all the time, introduced me to this gawd awful anime music video called "Me Me Me"...which was essentially effed up softcore porn. I was at his place watching it on mute while he had his headphones on. For f**k sakes, I don't see the whole point why he would introduce me to that stupid video especially after having to deal with his constant lies, obsession with hyper-sexualized anime girls, and porn use behind my back but to this day it still haunts me...and it gets worse (which I will eventually mention in this blog entry). This also happened AFTER I briefly told him about Fight The New Drug, which was a recent discovery for me at that time. I wasn't as knowledgeable on the harms of porn and so during those times I wasn't yet an anti-porn activist. Basically the music video is about this socially reclusive male otaku (anime and video game geek) aka hikikomori who became obsessed with his virtual life, which includes anime and hyper-sexualized 2D female characters over his own girlfriend (pink-haired lady who also happens to represent purity or goodness) who he happened to break up with. Gee, doesn't that sound exactly what was going on between me and Micah...he happens to be a video game geek so obsessed with pictures of anime females (who btw, look absolutely nothing like me) that he has them plastered ALL OVER his profile pictures including his Facebook and electronic wallpapers. And then there's me...the pink-haired female dealing with loss and betrayal trauma due to her boyfriend's unhealthy hobby or obsession.

The music video was full of sexual imagery involving cloned-copies of this blue-haired female, who in the beginning was wearing a short pink dress, dressed in a skimpy striped bikini dancing— shaking her ass and what-not. She's the villain of the music video and pretty much represents the male otaku's virtual and sexual addiction—which, based on people's interpretation of the video, some viewers have connected with porn addiction. Eventually throughout the softcore pornographic music video, things start to get even weirder—and by weirder I mean demonic mecha weird. There were short scenes showing an angry demonic version of his ex-girlfriend (a symbol of her anger or disappointment from the betrayal I suppose) tormenting him. The distorted scenes where the blue-haired female is in the form of a demonic robot was basically a manifestation into the dark and harmful realm of otaku boy's addiction and how it was really holding a grip on his life. While Mishka was showing me the music video all the way from beginning to end, I just felt completely uncomfortable...overwhelmed even but I tried to avoid showing it. At that time I was more timid and less vocal about how I felt. If only I wasn't afraid to voice all my feelings and thoughts from the get-go. I tried to play it all cool as if it was no biggie...but deep down that shock and nausea was just piling up and eating me inside out.

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Fast forward a couple months later, early 2015 (was a very rough year for me) I saw a new wallpaper on his smartphone...and it was a shocking hyper-sexualized picture of the blue-haired villain in her bikini licking the screen. Now, prior to this wallpaper he had a temporary dark grey one with a symbol in the middle as I had it with his obsession for female anime characters. The damn liar swore he wouldn't be using hyper-sexualized anime female characters as his wallpapers again but shortly after our temporary break up, he sure did and at that moment it was a lot worse. If he was to pull out his smart phone onto the bus with kids or families around, he would be exposing them to softcore porn. He argued that he would be sure no one sitting nearby him would be able to see it. I did some online research where he got this nasty wallpaper from and turns out there's a full-naked version of it too...which he happened to see. You would have no idea how enraged and sick I felt to my stomach. It was even worse that the character on his phone is a representation of sexual temptation that damages monogamous or exclusive relationships...and yet he was carrying that character around on his phone as if he was glorifying her...as if she was his new girlfriend to fill in the void and further fuel his virtual obsession. At that time he knew I am against porn too. From the beginning of the relationship he told me himself and even PROMISED me that he would have no eyes for any other female bodies but mine. That he was STRICTLY monogamous, which he told me multiples of times. LIAR. LIAR. LIAR.

I should have went all polyamorous or even polysexual on his pornosexual ass...but I was too much of a good person. He harsh virtually cheated on me many times...he's socially awkward—a social recluse...so that's his way of cheating on me even though he promised that he never would. I never cheated on him, never did even though I'm susceptible to porn addiction. While I was with him, I never sexually got off to images of other males. I was pretty much just a physical doll for him to act out sexual urges and his porno fantasies on. He had so many virtual attractive-looking sex partners that I can never naturally measure up to...he didn't need me. He didn't truly love me at all but I did. He was all sweet talk and nothing else...but I was head-over-heels in love with him and the gentle loving person he was in the beginning of the relationship...or at least displayed. He even begged and cried for me...but that was only to temporarily get me back to further fulfill his sexual "needs". All I ever wanted was to truly be loved.

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Ever since then, I've been dealing with betrayal trauma or some kind of PTSD, which involves symptoms such as reoccurring nightmares in regards to the betrayal as well as getting all numb, moments of heated rage, or dealing with panic attacks if triggered. Even once saw a psychiatrist about the trauma but didn't really get into the details. I told the psychiatrist I wasn't seeking medical treatment as I don't entirely trust taking meds due to potential side-effects (also because they are rather costly). I mean... I already witnessed what Ritalin (specific ADHD medication) did to one of my brothers and I don't want to undergo that same or similar process. I didn't want to become dependent on medication either and potentially have it rule over my life so I just wanted to share my experience. I was also seeking natural methods of recovery for my mental health even if that involves taking classes in coping with depression or anxiety...which is what I sometimes experience. Not only is that blue-haired female a trigger yet, to a lesser degree, the vibrant pink and blue colours she's associated with also trigger my trauma (the colours for transactivism, a misogynistic movement that's growing in popularity, certainly don't help either). I used to think blue and pink look nice together...pink has always been my top favourite colour, blue my second...but after all that, it's been changed. Purple is now my second favourite. Other things have changed too, I used to be a mega anime fan...used to draw manga with my own hands. Every year I would also attend cosplay conventions, not anymore though. Too many triggers there. The otaku subculture is becoming more hyper-sexualized—more pornified. What once used to be a fun core part of my life is no longer there.

I'm thinking of getting back to drawing. One of my ideas is to draw a picture of me, in the signature red Porn Kills Love shirt, impaling that blue-haired character as a representation of my wrath and getting my revenge by destroying the porn culture that's reeking havoc and promoting debauchery within our society. The same culture that screwed up the innocent boy my ex-boyfriend once was. The same culture that took him away from me. The same culture that forever destroyed my outlook on love. As a result, my relationship with my second ex-boyfriend has also suffered from this. Anyway, I don't think those vibrant pink and blue colours as well as those images from the music video can ever easily be deleted from people's minds...and I sure as heck wouldn't recommend watching the (softcore porno) music video either regardless of how good the music is. I decided not to give it a listen as it would be another trigger for me and I figure the music would be hypnotic. Not everyone will get the chance to experience a true loving relationship and marriage, at least not in this lifetime but I'm fighting not only out of retribution but also to protect and give people that chance. Porn Kills Love. —Empress Cynthelestia