Empress Cynthia's Testimony

Dear reader, My name is Cynthia, I’m 22 years old, I’m from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, and I’m an anti-porn activist. I grew up in a family full of boys with three older brothers; that makes me the youngest plus the only girl in the family. Not long ago I was a teenage kid, I’ve been dealing with porn addiction since the age of 4, I’ve had dating/relationship experiences—good and bad, and so I would like to share with you my testimony on the harms of pornography and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder I developed because of it.

Earlier in my life, I struggled a lot with my addiction to porn. I was first exposed to porn on TV when I was 4 years old. During that time, it was quite late at night; my oldest brother, who was 14 years old at that time, and I were watching TV. He was flipping through the channels when all of the sudden he saw a sex scene and stopped at it. He told me to cover my eyes and so I did but then curiosity got the better of me. (The younger the child, the more curious they tend to be.) When I peaked between my fingers, I felt horrified, disgusted, guilty, yet this strange feeling of sexual arousal was climbing. The sexual feeling could have stemmed from a combination of doing something that’s forbidden and because of the sexual elements within the scene. As soon as I saw the sex scene, I got hooked. In the scene there was a heterosexual couple having sexual intercourse while a woman dressed in green was peaking at them out of jealousy and sexual arousal. My brother changed the channel, only to then later on changed back to it. By then, another sex scene was going to start and it was a lesbian sex scene featuring the jealous woman from the previous sex scene casting her revenge on the woman who was having sexual intercourse with the man earlier. To this day and age, I still remember those images vividly in mind. After my first exposure to porn, somehow I was able to come up with a strategy to cause myself to dry orgasm. Every single day while by myself in the bedroom and no one was watching, I would often replay and (non-penetrative) masturbate to those scenes including other sexual images I’ve been exposed to on TV or on that giant automobile calendar poster of softcore porn models, which was posted in the bedroom. Once to a few times a day I would masturbate to thoughts or replays of those images. Deep down I sometimes felt this shame and guilt, I also knew there was something wrong—something missing in my childhood, as if part of my innocence forever got defiled and stripped away. I also figure it’s abnormal for a girl to start masturbating way before she even started puberty, at the age of 4 AND have an addiction to porn-induced masturbation. Throughout my childhood, I was exposed to images of female bodies being violently degraded and sexually objectified. Because of that, I grew up viewing certain females as inferior non-humans and objects to be abused mostly by men. Later on, I developed internalized misogyny, hatred and disdain towards my own biological sex.

Now imagine how worse it has gotten today with all the internet access kids as young as 10 have on their personal smartphones and other electronics. I met an acquaintance who has an 11 year old cousin who was able to hack through the filters his parents installed onto his electronics. These kids are brighter than what we give them credit for, especially in terms of technology, but unfortunately many of them like my younger self aren't well-equipped with the knowledge on the harms of pornography either because the topic of porn is generally taboo or because their parents never had a proper discussion with the kids about it in the first place. Legislating for filters to block porn websites would definitely help prevent the risk of kids having access to internet pornography. At the age of 9, I had full-unsupervised access to the Internet. The reason for this was because both my parents were constantly busy working and all my brothers were so caught up with their own lives. Every once in awhile my mother would look over my shoulder and at the monitor to see if anything suspicious was happening though during those times I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and she made it so noticeable with monitoring her kids that it really bothered me and sometimes I would react violently towards it. Eventually she stopped monitoring. My parents would often argue with each other over work-related issues and over suspicions of my dad having an affair. Earphones covering our ears, my brothers and I would spend most of our days and spare time on the Internet to also drown out the loud arguments between my parents. I was Googling for more dress up games to play when all of the sudden I ended up on a game hosting website that contains inappropriate content. I had no idea that some of these anime dress up games contain nudity and sexual content. Sometimes I would see pornography pop-ups, it’s as if these porn companies are trying to hook people including kids onto their toxic material. The younger the person is, the easier it is to get them addicted. From there on I was introduced to hentai (Japanese pornographic animations/illustrations), this really triggered my childhood sexual addiction—causing it to skyrocket. As with any other porn addict, I moved on from softcore porn to hardcore porn—from 2D porn to 3D live action porn.

When I was six years old, a male friend of one of my brothers who was in 7th grade came over to my family house. At one point while my brother wasn't looking, he picked up one of my action figurines and right in front of me provocatively licked in between her legs. I felt extremely disturbed. No doubt this kid got that idea from pornography.

In 5th grade, I introduced hentai to a friend of mine while we were on her home computer. One of my other friends in 5th grade told me how she saw her parents watching porn on TV. As a joke, she would sometimes emulate the sexual acts she saw. Heading onto 7th grade, another friend of mine and I would look for smut mangas (Japanese comic books) in a public library and jokingly together view the sex scenes in those books. I remember when I was 16 years old, there was this 10-12 year old looking kid I met from a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) who offered sex cam sessions (exchanging nudes on webcam) behind his father's back. When I found out how young he looked, right away I felt appalled and decided not to follow through. I befriended some teenage boys within that game; we would sometimes suggest porn videos to each other. They would delete their history like I would so that our parents wouldn't know. If only we were educated on the harms of porn but back then there wasn't any public awareness on that. As with many other kids, porn became a template for my sexuality and played a major influence on my perspective of human beauty; my whole childhood innocence was spiralling down and out of control.

Because of the lack of awareness on the harms of pornography including porn addiction especially back then, little did I know I have a porn addiction and that such addiction exists until about two years ago on Facebook I found out about this American anti-porn movement called Fight The New Drug. As I grew older, I developed shame and feelings of inferiority towards my own natural body, as it was developing yet didn’t and still doesn’t measure up to the hyper-sexualized body images I would constantly see in the pornified media. My mother having to be brainwashed by all the ridiculous hyper-sexualized ideals of beauty kept brooding about her own body and by the time I was 10, she would sometimes suggest me to get breast implants someday as she thinks bigger breasts are beautiful-looking and because “all men like big breasts”. She was very insecure about her own body image, and to this day still is. It’s mostly thanks to all the socio-psychological-porn-conditioning within our society, which pressures females to look a certain way that’s often promoted by the porn intoxicated media. During my pre-teen years I didn’t really take my mom’s superficial suggestions and criticisms seriously as I wasn’t really thinking about dating or relationships. Despite having a sexual addiction, which I wasn’t well aware of, I just wanted to enjoy my childhood to the fullest. My parents divorced when I was 12. By the time I entered high school, I developed crushes on boys but they would all reject me, mostly because I looked nothing like the females they often see in media and in porn. All that rejection and ostracism was a huge blow towards my self-esteem. I began to feel worthless and unwanted. I was an honor roll student but never reached my full potential, mainly because of my poor time management skills, my persistent depression, and because of my porn addiction, which had a huge interference in my productivity. At some point in 12th grade, I decided to take a break from pornography and masturbation for the entire fall semester as I wanted to get mostly A’s in my courses to transfer to university. In my subconscious mind I knew those things would be a distraction. During that semester, no porn and no masturbation, I did the greatest I have ever done in high school. My grades were good enough to get into the science program and university I desired…but sadly, it was short-lived. As soon as winter break started, I went on a major binge of porn. Even after winter break ended, I just couldn’t get myself to stop. Overtime there was a noticeably massive decline in my grades. I didn’t end up transferring to the science program and university I wanted to get into.

I can testify to the scientific studies that porn makes people forgetful. The more I use porn, the more forgetful and slower my mental performance is. Even my friends, family, and boss from one of my previous workplaces noticed I had a major tendency to be forgetful. This sometimes caused a huge hindrance in my life. Without porn, my mind has better clarity and I am less easily distractible. My parents would scold me whenever they find out I watched porn but they never taught nor discussed why I shouldn’t be watching it. Other than learning about pregnancy from my mom, my parents never taught me about sexual-related matters. It was difficult to have discussions with my family in regards to intimate topics because of the relationship distances and lack of emotional support from them. Besides the once-in-awhile sex education at school, I learned the rest through porn but little did I know porn is one of those most ridiculous and degrading ways to learn about sex especially as it doesn’t depict reality and lacks real intimacy—nor does it depict healthy sexual relationships. As my porn addiction deepened, so did my lethargy and social anxiety, especially when dealing with the opposite sex. No one in person knew I was struggling with porn let alone watch it, not even my closest friends. I felt really ashamed and guilty about it but never told anyone so I always kept it to myself. I truly sympathize for those with porn addiction but don't know exactly where to look for help. By the time I became a teenager, one of my brothers would make fun of my body for not looking like society’s sexualized ideal image of a woman. I tried not to take my family’s body-shaming criticism seriously by disassociating myself from my own body (oftentimes avoiding mirrors) but my self-esteem was a real low. For most of my teenage years, I was anti-social, severely depressed, and went through a lot of self-loathing especially in regards to my physical appearance. In this sex-driven male-dominated society, biological females grow up learning that most of their worth is based on their physical appearance and sex appeal. One day my brother was playfully picking on me in regards to female physical appearances, no longer able to take the pain anymore I attempted suicide only to have my youngest brother rescue me from the window of the 14th floor apartment I lived in with my dad and grandma. There are statistical studies that females are more likely to undergo depression and suicide attempts than males, I can definitely see why.

As I entered into my late teenage years, I began to change and became more self-conscious of my physical appearance; at some point I tried to conform to the ideal image of the female body often seen in porn and the media by beginning to wear makeup daily including more seductive-like feminine clothing and wore extra padding to give myself that slender hourglass shape. Temporarily this made me feel better but there were times when I was throwing away my genuine self and felt like a complete phony. At some point I even considered getting breast implants. I was looking through cosmetic surgery websites and even booked a consultation but eventually never followed through with it because I wasn’t able to afford it, felt iffy about the negative consequences from undergoing these procedures, and because I finally managed to get myself a boyfriend for the first time through a dating section on Craigslist. He made me feel good about myself but only for a while, which I will discuss on later throughout this testimony. As I mentioned before, there were few times when I shared some porn with other teenagers and eventually with my ex-boyfriend online. Now as an anti-porn activist, it’s as if I'm trying to undo the damages I caused in the past when I didn’t know any better. Little did I know porn is a major factor as to why more children are being sexualized and getting involved with sexual matters at an early age, and why rape culture or male sexual-entitlement attitudes towards females are running rampant today. Little did I know that porn develops desensitization and lack of empathy in people including myself; even I in the past sexually objectified and had little respect for many women (collection of research including scientific peer-reviewed studies I compiled on the harms of pornography). I also had little to zero knowledge about human sex trafficking until I learned about it via Fight The New Drug.

About three years ago after converting to a church, my porn addiction died down and as I got into my first relationship. At 19, I was in a hurry to get a boyfriend for the first time and so shortly before I joined the church, I met my ex-boyfriend on the dating section of Craigslist; he’s a year older than I am. My ex lied to me that he is strictly monogamous; that I’m the only woman in his eyes and that all my body parts are ideal to him. Unfortunately, my ex thought porn was harmless and was watching it numerous times behind my back. Mind you, I have a high sex drive and he initially thought I was very physically attractive (a male who will cheat is going to cheat regardless...really doesn't matter how much the female puts out nor how attractive she is. So really, victim-blaming is nothing but damaging). I found out and tried to educate him about the negatives porn contain and does, including porn addiction. I also introduced Fight The New Drug to him, which he didn’t take seriously. He made a few of the same promises himself that he wouldn't go back to watching porn ever again. Eventually, he broke all those promises. He made excuses like "some couples watch porn together and they don't have a problem with it" but that's not the point. The point is, he broke my trust and that many of the things featured in porn are all fake, which played a huge influence in the development of his unrealistic physical and sexual expectations that I cannot naturally fulfill. I wanted there to be full commitment in the relationship. I was trying to give it my all—was doing my part and expected the same from him only to end up in disappointment. This caused a lot of arguments and distrust in the relationship and, eventually, everything fell apart.

Part of my past experiences with my ex-partner’s porn use is featured in one of Fight The New Drug’s articles. On top of my anxiety and depression, I developed Post-Traumatic Disorder (PTSD) from having to deal with my ex-boyfriend’s compulsive lies and later treatment towards me. I no longer enjoy old hobbies such as anime and attending cosplay conventions as I used to. Now every time I see an image of a hyper-sexualized anime female, I get panic attacks. I would feel extreme tension; a choking sensation in my throat, numbness or disassociation, extreme irritation, and difficulties breathing while those unpleasant memories came back to mind. It also reminds me that I can never naturally measure up to those sexualized fictional characters. At times I would also go through bursts of rage or breakdowns but in public I try to internalize it.

It's unfortunate that my past relationship wasn't the only one that was facing the damages of porn; there are tons of other relationships facing the same or similar problem, which can be seen in the comment sections of FTND's Facebook page and pages of other anti-porn movements out there. I even heard of experiences in person from other women in their 30’s and 40’s that pornography had a devastating impact on their relationship and marriage. The woman in her 30’s mentioned how her ex-boyfriend was expecting her to look and act like the females he saw in porn films. The woman in her 40’s mentioned how her husband would view porn in the kitchen while her 3 and 5-year-old daughters would be running around. She also mentioned how later on, one of her past porn-loving male friends agreed to get into a relationship with her but only on one condition, if she would be open to having threesomes, which would consist of him, her, and another woman. He said he can’t do relationships without fulfilling his threesome fantasy. I highly value monogamy and commitment; families and relationships would be so much better off if people would stop lying and lusting for others outside of their own relationship. Recently, a friend of mine told me that a friend of his who does family and relationship counselling swore that more than 90% of the cases he worked with has to do with porn being a problematic factor—that is more than the cases that have to do with financial struggles. This didn’t really surprise me as American and Australian divorce statistics reveal that more than half of divorces happen due to porn being a factor. Not only does porn typically lie with all its false imagery, false emotions, and ridiculous expectations but it also causes people to lie even towards the ones they love. Ever since the demise of my first and former relationship, I lost faith in finding the real love I desire for myself one day…especially with all the porn-fuelled young men out there. Because of this, I often fall into deep depression, on and off.

Being a recovering porn addict and a betrayal trauma survivor to someone else's struggle with porn, I know what it’s like on both sides. I know what it’s like to have broken dreams that are no longer achievable because what's lost is lost.. It’s truly unpleasant, and I wish no one else would deal with the same unfortunate experiences I've been through. The struggles and broken trust in my past relationship was the last push that got me actively involved in the noble anti-porn cause. As we continue to spread awareness and fight against this subtle and intangible yet explicit "drug", I believe there will be an increasing number of people around the world supporting love and what's authentic over lust and the unhealthy brainwashing artificialities that porn promotes. Normalizing porn and ignoring the dark side of it won't make the world a better place, bringing light to its dark side will. Nothing good comes out of enabling what's bad. It’s good when people open up and ask for help with their struggles but it’s even better if all that were prevented in the first place. We don't need any more studies to show us what we already know that porn is indeed damaging. We need to call for change, and we need it now.

It takes one voice to make a difference yet a united group to make a bigger impact. And with that, if you haven't yet, I ask if you would please join me in the revolution against porn and bring public awareness to the damaging effects of pornography for the safety of women and children as well as the well-being of humanity, families, and the future generations.

Sincerely, Empress of the Cynthelestial Kingdom, Cynthia Revolutionizing...