Confession from the Empress Herself

Confession: Even though I was that teenage kid who received good grades and straight honour rolls, I also used to be that teenage kid who cracked dumb jokes and introduced other kids to certain types of porn. I also thought rape culture doesn't exist, that it was a concept made up by feminists. I had no regards for rape victims whatsoever (this was way before I found out my mom is a rape survivor multiples of times), I thought those females were "asking for it". Perhaps one reason why my attitude was like that was because I grew up in a non-affectionate family full of males and assholes. Also, because I had early exposure to porn since I was the age of 4.

Heck, I even contemplated on joining a strip club or the porn modelling industry as I was having a hard time finding employment (even at McDonald's...for some reason they rather hire immigrants instead of domesticated students with good grades) to stop financially depending on my parents plus to help pay my post-secondary tuition fees. AND I kept on being refused by males I had a crush on—was never asked out in high school nor my early years of college either...made me feel really undesirable, unattractive, and unwanted so I thought joining the adult entertainment industry would fix all that. If I was to look back to some of the things I said and did, I'd be covering my eyes and shaking my head right now.

Now I'm this anti-porn young woman who introduces people to Fight The New Drug, other anti-porn movements, and scientific studies + empirical evidence on the harms of porn. Hopefully my future teenage kids won't be making the same mistakes and poor choices as I have back then.

Actually, my future anti-porn husband and I would do such a damn great job educating our kids (starting at a very early age) on morals, the harms of pornography + drugs + tobacco, and other stuff that we wouldn't have to worry so much how they would end up in the future. When I was younger, no one educated me on the harms of pornography. No one. I had to learn the traumatizing way through life experiences, failure of a relationship, and eventually educated myself on the harms of pornography. It was thanks to Fight The New Drug have I learned the many negative impacts of porn including porn addiction, which I had no idea exists. It was only a little more than 2 years ago since I started becoming anti-porn, and surprisingly a devoted one.

~*~ Conversations in regards to this public confession I made: J.G: There desperately needs to be equal pay for women, equal opportunities and better, flexible career options so women never even have to consider a job in the sex industry. It costs so much more to be a woman, the clothes, shoes, underwear, hair cuts and dyeing, make-up, hair removal, beauty products and procedures, etc cost so much more and it is expected of us if we are to even get a job in the first place, yet we are paid less. I know of women that have lost jobs for not wearing a bra or not wearing make up. The discrimination is endless. Me: Ugh, tell me about it. Oftentimes I rather be born a male because of all this. I told the middle-aged man who was sitting next to me on the airplane from Holland to Toronto about this. He told me those females can simply choose not to buy into all that...what he doesn't understand is that society and most males would ignore or treat these females like dirt if they don't measure up to those unnatural beauty standards. I threw him off guard when I mentioned what it's like from an unattractive female's perspective...how they are the ones who must approach the male they like...otherwise they might have to settle with a male they aren't even attracted to or be forever alone. J.G: What an idiot mansplainer. And then arseholes like him will judge us, not employ us and ridicule us for not dyeing our hair and then call us a feminazi. It is not a "choice" when you are forced to wear make up for work, or not given a job in the first place. We don't really have a choice. Me: He did show me photos of his wife who's around his age or the same age as he is. She doesn't wear any make up nor is her hair dyed. Bet you anything though, he probably stares at artificial hyper-sexualized scantily clad females behind her back. Comparing my past job interviews...in all the ones where I didn't wear make up, I didn't get employed...at all. I look more unattractive and underaged without any make up on. The few jobs I did get accepted to was when I was wearing minimal to full-faced make up on. The REAL regular paid time job I got accepted to was after I had full-faced make up on to an interview. Either it was my full-faced make up that got me in, my roommate who referred me to the manager, or both. J.G: Exactly. Men begrudge that you take a long time to get ready and then will ogle women who take hours to get ready everyday, have a face full of botox and fake boobs. It's obvious that's what they expect from us. Me: Haha, male logic will never cease to amaze me. Don't forget about the males who are oh-so against cosmetic surgery as well. Had plenty of males say they are turned off by females who are artificial, wear too much make up, dress immodestly, or had cosmetic surgery, yet I caught them staring like zombies or boys with half a brain whenever it comes to "babes in bikinis" or female K-Pop stars (and K-Pop females are notorious for having cosmetic surgery even though most of them deny it! Take a look at most of their female fans or the average Korean woman pre-surgery...they look nothing like them). Reminds me of my ex boyfriend...says one thing, means the complete opposite. J.G: Or the ones that like the "natural look". They would not have the first clue what natural looked like. You see women and girls now whose skin is so perfect it looks like plastic, their hair is so straight and smooth that it looks like a wig and their eyelashes are so bushy it must be hard to see through. The beauty standards are becoming more and more unattainable. And then you see corsets and uncomfortable, impractical shape wear that is so painful that it is difficult to move. Have you ever worn corsets or shapewear? I truly think that high heels are the modern day version of Chinese foot binding. You see women's feet who have worn high heels for years and their feet are misshapen with painful, ugly bunions. This stuff is really bad for women's health, posture and well being. It also keeps women in poverty. Yet we are sold the idea that this is empowering for us. I think women are actually more oppressed maybe than they ever have been and they don't even realize. The fashion and beauty industries are oppressive and misogynistic. They prey on making women feeling they are not good enough. They profit from our insecurity and self hatred. After we bring down the sex and porn industries, let's bring down the fashion and beauty industries. Me: I've worn shapewear with dresses before to give that complete flat stomach look combined with narrow waist. In fact, my mom and I own shapewears. Even for a slim and underweight female, it's restrictive and kind of uncomfortable. To be honest, even though I'm naturally underweight, I also sometimes suffered from eating disorders. I would go through phases or hours and hours of no eating or eating only one or two meals a day. Oftentimes I wasn't fully aware of it myself...that I had an on/off eating disorder which stemmed from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Didn't help either that I was strictly raised by my mother that skinny, even anorexic, is beautiful whereas anything bigger than that is not. My mother even told me that if I was ever to be overweight, she would disown me. Indeed, there's this stupid misbelief brought upon the fashion industry that high heels or tall height are/is empowering. I rarely wear high heels myself. Oftentimes I wear low heels but that's as far as I would often go. I like how heels elongate my legs, giving off the illusion of slimmer and longer legs...but beside that, high heels or low heels they can be a pain in the ass to wear, especially when walking long-distances. Come to think of it, it's so dumb. A lot of females mentally get hurt by "male logic" and unrealistic standards...then they end up physically hurting themselves for the sake of beauty and being accepted into this materialistic and mainstream loving society. I tried telling some males about oppression but seemingly most of them don't believe it...or they don't want to accept it even though deep down they know it exists. I can definitely agree with your last comment. The middle-aged man who sat next to me also mentioned that when he asked people "If you can be immortal. Would you choose to be?". I told him no, I wouldn't. He told me for some reason most of the males said yes, they would like to be immortal whereas most females said no, they would like to die earlier. I told him the reason why a lot of females would like to die earlier may be highly connected to the fact that there are studies that females are more prone to depression (and suicidal attempts) than males. Why more females are more prone to depression? Well, all the crap they have to deal with and what we talked about just now has a lot to do with that. Again, oftentimes I wish I was born a male or never born at all. Tbh, each time my ex-boyfriend or someone I have deep feelings for ogles at an artificial female or hyper-sexualized female, I just want to put a gun next to my head and pull the trigger...or join hook up culture to temporarily forget about all that crap and awful feeling. It's as if I'm punishing myself or putting myself in a situation where I'm being punished for not being good enough and never will be...according to superficial standards. I even asked my ex-boyfriend to choke me while we were doing it. It wasn't because it turned me on...it was because psychologically deep down I had hopes that he would strangle me for real until I died...so that all this suffering I was dealing with would finally stop. J.G: I actually like being a woman and wouldn't want to be male. Every day is a constant fight though. I really think that probably almost every woman in the developed world has BDD, whether they realise or admit to or not. Myself and my friends would deliberately vomit up our food by sticking a toothbrush down our throats. We would eat laxettes and exercise obsessively, cover our bodies with baby oil and bake our skin at every opportunity. Even though I was never diagnosed with BDD it is just a natural result for the unattainable beauty standards fuelled by peer pressure, the media and the fashion and beauty industries. It is insanity. It triggers me too. Fills me with self hatred. Me: Starving myself for long hours I can do (albeit it's sometimes torture if I'm not in a hypnotic-like/severely depressed state). Vomiting? That's something I definitely cannot do and have a complete fear of. Sadly, most males will never truly understand what it's like to be a biological female. I have a female cousin who I think is a libfem and is a little on the thicker side. Sure, she's really pretty, well educated, and all but deep down it kind of pains me sometimes whenever my brothers and I go out to eat with her. Oftentimes she would refuse to eat anything and had these dieting pills with her on the eating table. It's as if she's constantly torturing herself to fit into the mold of stereotypical "porn-star" like beauty.