Anonymous #1 Testimony

I always knew something was amiss. I proved it but I was drugged addled, gaslit and brainwashed, I would have been alone without him. He argued with me when I was rolling for days until I was exhausted, then when I was coming down and desperate, he'd eventually dangle more drugs and hope. Repeat those arguments after he once again used and cheated, a cycle for five years of my life. I ignored my instincts because I just wanted him to love me. And then no matter how many times after that the same pattern repeated, it always felt out of the blue, because I never knew when the exact moment would be. I spent hours.. days.. trying to find those files and texts and any "proof" so he couldn't deny it. The worst was when I played one of his files in a folder and he looked at me with huge eyes and said "that's not mine". Actually, it wasn't the worst. But it was one of the earliest striking moments when I visually remember what I now call his psychopathy. He'd cry maybe a couple times or maybe in passing later say he felt guilty. He displayed enough guilt in the beginning to keep me pathetically holding on to that and good times...I just wanted those back. and I believed he'd change for me. Not for me though...just moved to be a better person for someone else. I was just an outlet for his hate. I still haven't talked about or write down all my experiences, only some in pieces, but he tried so hard to make me crazy, and always called me paranoid and delusional, so I doubt my own memory of my experiences. I learned to doubt my eyes because he claimed they were seeing things, so I used my ears and he fucked with the sound around me. So I started relying on smell and could smell his guilt, his sweat, semen...them. I knew. But to him it wasn't enough because he couldn't see it even when what we both saw was apparently just a delusion of mine when he later deleted it, or I broke the devices. Sorry, I'm rambling. I had a dream of him last night, us living together in a beautiful place until he left me for her. I gave this man everything and it was never enough. Today has been emotional.