Jake's Relationship Advice

It's amazing how much wisdom is contained in this young man and friend of mine. ~*~ 9/23/16 Written by Jake Wolfe: Two years ago, I gave someone a piece of relationship advice. I realized how many people would benefit from hearing it, so I decide to compile a note of some of the things I've learned about relationships in my (unimpressive) seven years of relationship experience. I hope something here can prove helpful to someone :) Relationships Tips: 1: If you ever think you need to forbid them from something, or hide something from them, then you're either with the wrong person, or have trust/security issues that have to be dealt with outside of, and prior to, being in a relationship. 2: You have to love and respect yourself if you want the same from someone else. No double standard. You have to give what you're asking others to give. Trust/security/self-esteem issues have to be resolved in order to have a healthy relationship. 3: If you literally can't wait to have sex with your significant other, you're in it for the wrong reasons. This may not be conscious, as this could be related to self-esteem and seeking validation in the wrong places, but it's important to recognize this: If you can't accept and respect (physical) boundaries that your significant other may have, then you need to learn how to appreciate the non-physical before entering into a serious relationship. In the end, once you work on this first, you'll be much happier, finding more value in things that aren't physical, as the physical can fade on its own. But the personal and spiritual do *not* fade. 4: Being best friends, and being spiritual brother and sister, come before (in priorities) being lovers. This friendship and spiritual respect and closeness are the foundation for your romantic relationship, and will make it far stronger in the long run. 5: Love is a choice. You have to make that choice, if you want it. It takes work. Effort. Conscious action. And this has to be coming from both sides, and apparent early on, as this foundation will be a clue as to how much harder the first years of marriage will be. 6: Accept their past and their flaws, and loving them, respecting them, and being proud of them for what they've been through, and are getting through, is essential. You've both made mistakes, and theirs are just as mistaken as yours. Treat their mistakes as you would your own. All have fallen short. 7: Encourage them instead of complaining, or making it about you, guilting them, or pressuring them. Encouragement motivates them to make the best possible decisions for themselves, the relationship, and ultimately you, as you're invested in both of the formers. 8: Bodily functions shouldn't make you feel awkward or repulsed. Put bluntly, if the fact your significant other occasionally burps or farts makes you feel less attracted to them, you're either too invested in physical attraction, or don't realize you share the same bodily functions. 9: Be honest. Always. If you feel like you should, or want to, keep something from them, it's probably because you need to tell them. Otherwise, it can eat at you, seriously impact the relationship and your closeness, and even come back up later on, when they find out later than they deserved to. This can be hurtful. 10: Their wants, needs, and convenience should be as important for you as your own. And the same must go for them. You should be thinking of the other person, in every situation. This isn't to degrade independence, or to devalue your needs, but to emphasize recognizing the value and worth of the other person. You should care deeply for their long-term happiness, and be open to going out of your way for them out of love. 11: Be open to learning and trying new things, and potentially being wrong. Their perspectives and ideas deserve to be given a chance. Hear them out. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and our differing ideas and perspectives help relationships tackle life in a more holistic way. You complement each other in this way. 12: Look for, and be aware of, common ground. Interests, ideas, perspectives. Not just in general, but also in specific situations where finding common ground will solve problems. 13: Don't just complement each other, but compliment each other. Point out what they're good at, what you're proud of them for, things you like, love, respect, and admire about them. This is the other side of embracing differing ideas and perspectives. This is openly affirming, appreciating, and encouraging these personality differences. 14: Don't end the day upset. Resolve your differences so you can start the next day fresh! Don't worry about getting the last word. Don't just hear what they say in order to respond. Listen to what they say in order to understand.

15: Go out of your way for them. Be a servant for them, because you love them and believe they deserve to be gone-out-of-your-way for. 16: Ask them how their day was, how they are, what they want to do, what they like... try to get to know them, even when you think you know everything about them. Find new things to learn about them. Even after years of intimacy, you may find that, as you draw even closer to each other personally, you'll still find things that can surprise you. 17: Realize that looks are not everything, and are not at all the base for attraction (in the study of Psychology, the number one initial attractor is actually found to be proximity). Going forward, personality, including complementing traits and shared values, are the long-term base for permanent attraction. When you're looking for and are interested in the right thing (their true self, their spirit), all else about them will become more attractive to you. We're not attracted to Jesus or our family members for their looks, and the same must go for our future husband or wife. 18: It's all about mutual respect and affection. Share these! If you can't or don't, it will be a problem. If you can and do, it will be beautiful. 19: Don't be narcissistic. You're not the best, and you're not what's important here. The other person should be, in your heart. In a healthy relationship, you're both taking this "them first" approach at the same time. This can be a powerfully constructive thing between two people. This is a constant state of mutual up-building, and a rising tide lifts all ships. 20: Healthy Dating. Trust God to lead you to the person and relationship He wants you to be with. Focus on Him, His Will, and being a healthy and complete "you" before starting a relationship. You'll have more to give, and will be a more complete and well-rounded person when you do this first. Let Him do the rest. Don't spend your single life looking all around for this person. Let God lead you to them. Accept His Perfect Timing over your imperfect timing. He knows what He's doing. 21: Recognize the normal flow of relationships: Acquaintanceship > Friendship > Dating > Exclusivity > Engagement > Marriage. The speed of this process can vary, but it's important that you start by getting to know someone, rather than jumping straight into dating. This can be too fast, and skip the key friendship-forming stage, which forms the most important basis for the relationship going forward. 22: Don't take life too seriously, and keep your emotions in check!: A) Don't allow yourself to be easily angered. If you are, find constructive ways to work on it. B) Try not to be too sensitive. Don't take everything personally! Sometimes it's just a bad day. When it is, the other person is often the one that can make it better! This goes for both you and them. C) Be able to laugh at yourself! Don't take yourself too seriously. Life can be serious enough as it is, so try to be more lighthearted. Not every situation requires dour expression. D) "Don't major on minors." Don't dramatize. Most of the problems you face aren't relationship- or world-ending on their own. How we react is often the deciding factor. E) Don’t consistently choose a negative perspective. Don't be too cynical, too often. F) Don’t take life too seriously, but just seriously enough. And do the same with yourself. Be able to laugh at yourself every once in awhile! 23: Be aware of the dangers of manipulation. Manipulative behaviour can often be accidental, but be sure not to do this emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. Work together, and be honest about your feelings, wants, and needs, and try not to emphasize yours over theirs. Manipulation is often a form of abuse, so make sure you aren't misusing your words or actions to get what you want! 24: Forgiveness and Enabling: Forgiveness is key to compassion and understanding. This is empathy. But compassion also doesn't enable behaviour that is dangerous or unhealthy. Sometimes it will be important to emphasize recognizing and working on key problems standing in the way of your relationship's success. Forgive, but don't enable. 25: The Little Things: Everyday personality traits, behaviours, and habits that will impact your relationship with your significant other. These add up!: A) Be grateful for "the little things". An occasional dose of gratitude and optimism can make a big difference, and the little things are important too. Remember, they add up. B) Be patient with each other. Healthy people are constantly growing and learning as Human beings, so make sure that's an easier process than it otherwise can be in life. C) Be dependable. "Be there." Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. D) Always take responsibility for your words and actions. E) Don't play the blame game! F) Reject the victim mentality. You're in this together, so try to treat each other like it. G) Think-out your decisions before making them. Don't be too quick to make your decisions in life, in general. H) Show respect and tolerance towards other people. If you can't be respectful and tolerant of others, you're going to have a harder time with both marriage and parenthood. I) Be willing to look beyond personal opinions to empathize with others. In general, be compassionate. Your love should have very few conditionsJ) Be aware of when to joke, and when not to. K) Be able to admit when you're wrong. L) Don’t gloat when you're right. M) Have the capacity to endure uncertainty together. You won't always know what tomorrow will be bring, or if you're going to get through life's present challenges. But it's better together. N) Accept deferred or delayed gratification. It shouldn't be all about you, but be about loving your significant other. They should share this mentality. This is love: to be selfless and compassionate. 26) "A couple that can cry together and pray together, stays together." 27) Whether or not you're a Christian, consider the moral of the "Jesus" story: Christ loved and gave Himself up for His Church. He sacrificed Himself, His health, convenience, time, energy, and even life, for the sake of others. If both halves of a relationship take this approach, happiness will be easier to achieve. 28) Make sure you share priorities with the person you're considering a relationship with. If one of you is a workaholic and places their time and energy at work over their relationship or their family, and the other places family and family time as the highest priority, there will be some heated, impassioned battles, and they'll hurt. In a Christian relationship, God should always be the first priority for both of you. It's a three-way relationship. You're stronger when you include Him in your relationship.