Viktoriya's Testimony
- Viktoriya Von Gore
- Nov 26, 2016
- 2 min read
My boyfriend watched porn almost everyday for almost a year before I discovered it on his laptop. I was absolutely crushed. I've asked him a few months before I found if he watched porn. He said no. I didn't even hesitate to believe him. Therefore we didn't have the whole talk about porn and how horrible it is. I thought wow, I'm really blessed to have this guy. He's absolutely faithful on all levels. So, he stopped watching porn this year. Well, after I found out in December. I felt so extremely hurt because he knows my emotional state. I'm prone to depression, I felt insecure and I lost so much weight due to all of the stress. I started becoming so bitter towards him. He was the one person who was supposed to understand. I have major trust issues too. I explained everything to him over and over and he decided to lie about the porn TWICE. Me resentment just grew when he saved a female's friend's bikini picture and showed it off to his friends. Asking strange girls' numbers, inboxing random girls on FB, having sexual mental images of girls he saw in public. All of this after the porn. I got absolutely no reassurance from him. Throughout this entire relationship I just felt like I was never good enough. So, long story short, I cheated on him a few weeks ago. Purely so I can get rid of my resentful feelings, my bitterness, my aching, my frustration. Because I was ALWAYS faithful in ALL aspects. I hated myself for having the heart that i have. It was a once-off physical tying. I barely felt sexually attracted to this other guy. Yes, I was wrong. I'm not justifying my actions, but I ONLY did it for my boyfriend to understand EXACTLY how I feel. I felt so desperate for him to understand and he never did. My words and my tears weren't enough for me to convey the pain properly. He was always just so passive towards how I felt. I just desperately wanted to make him UNDERSTAND. He absolutely HATES me now.
