Emmy's testimony
- Emmy Ryan
- Oct 15, 2016
- 4 min read
Thank you for letting me join. If you all don't mind, I'd like to tell my story. (Content Warning)
My now ex boyfriend had been watching porn since he was 10 years old and was beyond addicted when I met him. He admitted that he masturbates "4 times a day, sometimes more." When I found out, I told him that I have an issue with porn and that to me, it's the same as cheating in a relationship, if not worse. I said that if he wanted porn, then we should part ways, but if he wanted to quit and remain together, I would find him professional help. He promised he'd quit, and I found him mental health treatment and I thought that was the end of it.
It wasn't. In fact, he just became shady as hell. Turns out, he didn't even tell the doctor about it, and just did it in secret. He became distant, avoided and suppressed my attempts to engage in sex, and like before, he couldn't maintain an erection or climax with me. He never wanted to look at me during sex, and always wanted to do aggressive and violent things to me, to which I declined. When I asked questions, he constantly said that it wasn't me, but I knew he was lying. It caused many arguments, but I was stupid enough to think that he just had anxiety and tried to help him. He lied and used anxiety as an excuse instead of admitting to watching some extremely fucked up and violent pornography. He said his fantasy was for me to fight him as he had sex to me. I got angry and scared and said "that is rape, and no way in hell am I going to allow that." Of course, he always joked about rape, and that caused arguments as well. So when he attempted to rape me 3 times in my sleep, I shouldn't have been surprised. But I was, and I was terrified. He denied it until the end, saying I was crazy and making it all up, and he would tell his family that I'm "dramatic" and "crazy". He never showed emotion to me besides anger and sexual aggression. Never sadness, joy, fear, nothing. But he was extremely good at pretending to care. At least, in the beginning.
Numerous times I would get angry because I knew in my gut that he was watching porn again, and it would be an argument in which he would look me in the eye and tell me he wasn't and that I was crazy. It happened more and more. The ease in which that man can lie with a straight face and no signs of lying is unnerving to this day.
I eventually got on his computer using his password that he gave me almost a year before (he was away for the Army and obviously cleared his browser history) and found extremely violent porn of all types except for child porn or bestiality, and this was with a one day browser history; I'm guessing he forgot to clear it before he went to work that day. I blew up in a phone call to him and said that we're over, and he turned into a monster. Even his voice changed. He said to "get the fuck out of my house" and maintains to this day that it was wrong for me to look on his computer, and that everything was my fault. He then continued to insult me and tell me how boring and ugly I am, and how he never loved me in the first place. Our entire relationship was a lie, and it's now very hard for me to trust anyone.
I vented to what I thought was my best friend about it all, and to my dismay, he sided with my ex and said that I'm a crazy ex who "can't get over it"...even though I was the one who broke up with him, not the other way around. My "best friend" is now solely my ex's friend. He too said I was wrong to be against porn.
I'm trying to move on, but I feel like I'll never meet a man who genuinely disapproves of porn like I do. I am afraid to make male friends now too, which sucks because I am an aircraft mechanic and work around men all day. I feel so paranoid about men now, and I don't know how to cope with the anxiety I get when I hear sex jokes or people referencing porn and sex, all because of the fucked up shit I saw on his computer and the fact that the main two men in my life were wolves in sheep's clothing the entire time.
I feel so alone now. I feel ugly and worthless, and I think I'm going to just buy a dog and live alone, because at this point, I feel as though no man can be trusted.
And it's all because of porn. —Emmy Ryan
Emmy Taylor Ryan passed away on November 11th, 2017. She decided to end her own life. We will remember you, Emmy. You will always be loved.